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Halloween-A-Thon Day 19, Bear Reviews Edition: Ringu

Note: The following contains spoilers. Imagine the scene. You’ve just returned home after vandalizing a woman’s resting place and climbing wells and thinking about ghosts and curses for many-a-nights and you sit down and the television turns out. Standing there is a bear on a unicycle and it slowly, menacingly unicycles towards the camera. You… Read more »

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Halloween-A-Thon Day 6, Bear Reviews Edition: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

Note: The following contains spoilers, but it does not contain bears. Can you blame a 1920s German Expressionism film for not having a bear in it? The answer to that riddle is yes and I will, because for all of the twisted geometry and painted streaks of light, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is lacking… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

It’s  in movies like Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol where you wish that the city of Dubai had bears roaming in it, just so that Tom Cruise would have one more obstacle in addition to a sandstorm that he has to deal with in that sequence. He can’t let nuclear launch codes get away, he’s chasing… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Mission Impossible III

I’m starting to just get frustrated now. Three movies into this series and Tom Cruise has yet to fight a bear. I realize that Cruise’s habit of doing his own stunts would mean he would probably try to actually fight a real bear (an ill-advised venture for any man or beast), but you’d think the… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Mission Impossible II

When watching the completely bear-free Mission Impossible II, there were two things that became clear to me: Tom Cruise is ridiculously charismatic. And this movie is terrible. Would a bear have saved this movie? I can’t say for sure, but I can’t imagine a reality in which Tom Cruise is doing his acrobat stuff to… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Mission Impossible

It’s a new month, and that means Bear Reviews is taking a look back at a new slew of movies. For August, we’re doing the Mission Impossible Franchise. Having watched four out of five Mission Impossible movies over the span of a week, I’m honestly not convinced that animals exist in the MI universe, let alone that… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: The Gift

  It has been many moons since I’ve felt so fundamentally betrayed by a movie as I did by The Gift. If fiction is all about making promises to your audience and following up on them, The Gift is a failure of this on a basic level. The movie promises that there will be A… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Inside Out

  Inside Out gets five bears. This is so satisfying to finally type for only the second time. The bear-in-question is only in the movie for maybe five seconds, but that’s more Bear-Per-Frame than literally every other movie I’ve Bear Reviewed so far. Is it an ideal representation of bears in media? Not quite. The… Read more »

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Bear Reviews: Captain America: The First Avenger

  As has often been the case in these Marvel movies, there are no bears in Captain America: The First Avenger. But does that mean that the movie gets no bears? Let’s not jump to any conclusions here. For while I do not normally award bears to movies that contain bare-chested men, I have made… Read more »