I’d rather watch the 6-headed offense in one move !!!!

Lead actor: Brandon Oret, Tandy Sebe…

Director: Mark Atkins.

First of all, there was JAWS.  Then, after Chief Brody blew up the shark at the end of the movie, he threw back his head, along with a second head, and we had a two-headed shark attack (I should probably check my facts here, they might be inaccurate).  Then we had a 3-star shark ATTAC.  We then missed a 4 head shark and finished it off with a 5 head shark.  But that wasn’t enough, was it?  We got greedy.  We have become masochists, and now we have the infamous and evil 6-headed SHARK ATTACK.

You read that right.  This shark has SIX heads.  And why not?  If you had six goals, wouldn’t you do it?  You must also have 6 stomachs, because I don’t know about you, but for me personally, my one head sometimes eats more than my stomach can handle.  And one more question: If you have SIX cups and they are all thirsty because six cups means you have to empty six throats at once, can you imagine how long it would take to pee in a day?

When I’m 48, I’m tired of having a face.

Still, we’re talking about a six-headed shark attack, and that calls for respect.

Do you know what happens when you disrespect a six-headed shark?  He will tackle your wedding camp and start eating your guests, all before they fill out their comment cards.  They will be destroyed.  Your business will go bankrupt and the woman you want to win back will almost certainly leave you alone to run your marriage boot camp.  And then the kicker.  If you disrespect the six-headed shark, it will use four of its heads as legs and crawl out of the water to chase you onto the beach.

You don’t believe me?  Try it.  Try to respect a six-headed shark and see what happens.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you, because I certainly did.  You respect a six-headed shark.

Now, if you don’t want to respect writer/director Mark Atkins (PLANET SHARKOV, EMPIRE SHARKOV, SAND SHARKOV), do so.

I’ve seen every multi-head shark attack movie, including JAWS when it was just 1-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (note to self: check facts here before posting), and this is the dumbest of them all.  And I thought the five-headed shark attack, where there were actually only four heads and the fifth head was in the tail, was pretty bad.  But there were no sharks and regenerating heads in this movie (I don’t remember if the 5-headed shark could grow heads, but I’m pretty sure that never happened).  And at least 5 HEADED SHARK ATTACK with Chris Bruno, which was 69 episodes on Dead Zone.  It’s not a big deal, but I watched the first season, so I recognized it.

Occupy 6-star shark attac?

Remember the scene in the first movie TRANSFORMERS where Officer Simmons comes to Witwicky’s house and tells his father that he’s from Sector 7, and his father says: Never heard of it, but Agent Simmons has: He’ll never hear it?

It’s the entire cast of this movie.  You’ve never heard of them, you’ve never seen them anywhere else, and you will NEVER see them.  And that’s a good thing too, because looking at the cast, I remember another movie, the 3000 version of A Touch of Satan from the Mystery Science Theatre, where the name Emby Mellay appears on the screen and one of the robots says: I’m a man who was killed by a robot: It’s not the name, it’s the wrong hand at Scrabble.

Here are some names.  What words can you form with these letters?

Tandy Self. Get involved.  Tapiwa Muswosi.  Even a fellow writer: Koichi Petetsky (author of the classics SYNISTER MINISTER and MEGALODON).  Oh, oh, I have a word to say: Darkness.

Honestly, these people have made more movies than I have, and people can still access their account on Hulu, click on the movie, and see their faces, which they can’t do with me.  I don’t want to be an actor either, so I’m fine with it.

But at least two pages of the IMDB database show these black and white actors in black and white, known for being attacked by six-headed sharks.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Let’s talk about the good and the bad in this movie.  Let’s start with the good stuff, because the list is much shorter.

It’s terrible.  Believe it or not, he’s a professional.  I don’t have any formal training in writing film reviews or I’ve taken a film course, I just have my opinion on these reviews, which means nothing to anyone but my wife and kids, so I fly over the seat of my Marvel pajamas and pour a bunch of sarcasm all over the page.  And with a bad movie, it’s a lot easier.  And this movie is definitely on that list.

So that’s good.

On the bad side (yes, that was all the good stuff), there is everything else.

The script is penniless, the plot is sketchy, and even the plot points are ambiguous at best.  At one point one of the characters, who probably had a name but I don’t care what it was, but apparently she’s a meteorologist, said that a storm is coming and they MUST take shelter on these floating platforms in the water.  Fifteen minutes later it was eaten and the storm forgotten, according to the sunny sky in the background.

In another scene, it is daylight, but five minutes after their arrival at the top of the lighthouse, it is completely dark outside.  At least from the top of the lighthouse.  One level down there is still no daylight.  But as soon as they come out with the plan to bury a few cans that I assume are highly flammable, because the plan is to wait for the shark to rise and then shoot the cans, it’s back to total darkness.

When the lighthouse explodes in a scene that can only be described as stupid and gory, the two survivors swim to the boat (in this movie, there’s crazy swimming back and forth for a shark attack movie) while it’s dark.  By the time they get to the boat, the sun is up.  The boat was actually not far from shore, they should have been there in a minute, two at most.

An incredibly vague attempt has been made to explain the origins of the six-headed shark, but…. To be fair, a lot of the dialogue here was lost to the loud music, but I feel like regardless of its origin, it was just as silly and useless as the rest of the film.

I don’t know why Sanctuary keeps making these awful shark movies (says the guy who saw them all), but I guess if they keep pushing the envelope and going with 7-Headed Shark Attack, my only hope with these things is that they hire a writer, a director, a few actors and special effects people who can make sharks in CG.

If they manage to complete this incredibly short list of tasks before the shooting starts, they’ll have a hit on their hands.  And maybe that would be enough to erase the memory. 6-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is currently streaming on Hulu.

C. Dennis Moore is the author of more than 60 short stories and novels in the genre of speculative fiction. More recent versions can be found in the anthologies Dark Highlands 2, What Fears Arise, Dead Bait 3 and Dark Highways. His novels include Revelations, Angel Hill, The Man in the Window, The Third Floor, Flip.

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